there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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