no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
