Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
