what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
