i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Will exercising make me less horny?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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