after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
