I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
we should paint friendship bongs
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
