My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
