I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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