mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
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