Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
