I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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