I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
