Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
