Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
