Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
