My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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