just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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