I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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