i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We left the knife in your bed.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
