Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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