yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
