Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
