Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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