I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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