from now on my penis is your penis
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Mom said you looked used
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
