There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
There are leaves in my underwear?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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