Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
