omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You have to summon your inner elephant
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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