I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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