Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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