i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
