Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My liver just had a heart attack.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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