I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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