I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
