Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
