My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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