How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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