am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
