mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
