I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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