she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
