I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
