Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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