If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
