She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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