I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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