First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
