i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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