Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
