i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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