My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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