nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
