Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
