I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
